I’ve desperately searched for meaning and in doing so I searched to end it all. Because if you find the ultimate answer, you pay the ultimate price.
But wait. Wouldn’t that thought alone be the one that solved the puzzle? Defining the purpose of it all, leading to the end…
Notice, my first dizzying step into the grey area.
But through my search for certainty I stuck to those initial polarizing fears. I couldn’t shake the belief that my purpose was tied to the answers I must have. My misaligned instincts sent me on a chase for insights but I resisted collecting them for fear it would all end too soon. Frustrated by the contradiction, convinced these were the only options, and forced to figure it out.
As I failed over and over, my former sense of reality dissolved. The lines blurred. I had to look closer and I started to notice my life wasn’t so linear, it was playing out on a loop. A loop that actually allowed for growth and a chance to redefine what I perceived.
Now, even when I think I know something, I’m relearning lessons. I experience the same concepts repeatedly. They boomerang as time goes on. And I find myself telling you about the same realization I discussed last year. But it feels so new to me now. It’s the nuance that bounces between those two black and white points.
So much we won’t know and so much to explore before we do. From these infinite possibilities, curiosity is allowed to bloom without the pressure of an end goal. To learn is to experience, to experience is to live.
To think I know everything about you, about myself, and then to learn the space we share between us shifts endlessly. It opens new doors within ourselves, which we can so intimately explore together. Because we don’t need an answer, we rely on trust and experience.
I don’t have to trust other people but I can trust myself. I don’t have to trust you but I can. I want to.
So here we go. Less knowing, more sensing. Curious and inbetween.