I’ve been changing at my own pace, but it’s still on the basis that life will always be there waiting for me.
My dreams feel more like fuzzy nostalgia for a childhood home rather than plans for the future. I need to stop working from the assumption that I have time, and instead, start to increase momentum.
I’ve resisted change to the point where I’ve hit a standstill. However change can allow me to move forward, to do something for the first time, and I can’t expect that to go smoothly.
If I can conquer the fear of something going wrong, of experiencing the dizzying challenges, I can overcome this negative force because it will lose its power. It will no longer feed off of the invisible consequences that come from waiting to do what I want.
On some level there is fear that I’ll do something wonderful, but it will hurt deeply that I can’t share it with those who are no longer in my life, or that those who are in my life won’t approve. A fear of abandonment causes me to perpetually desert my own goals and interests.
I need to shift focus. Understanding that the ground is unstable as a standard means that there is no more waiting for the calm. Factoring in chaos involves letting go of some responsibility. From there all I can do is work from good intentions, from trusting myself. If it means vomiting vulnerability, I will cleanse myself.
Changing requires accepting complexities and cycles, finding a way to embrace the queasiness, so that I can continue to learn from the spinning world around me.